I'm starting to discover that one of the hardest things about maintaining a positive outlook on things is keeping a check on reality. I don't mean it's hard to stay clear on what is and what is not real. Rather that, when you're trying to keep to a goal or stay along a certain path, it's very easy to start thinking in a way which will end up with negative results and feelings. It's something which usually happens without you even noticing.
I'll explain.
I'm trying an experiment: an experiment in positive thinking. It's easy to become negative about so many of the simplest things in everyday life. It's something we do so unconsciously that, if someone were to suggest we're doing it, we'd probably completely deny it, or admit they have a point, and then carry on the same after without thinking about the consequences of this way of thinking. We talk ourselves out of a lot of things in life, because we're too short-sighted to see the thing we want is totally accessible, given a little hard work and forward thinking.
This is what has happened since my last entry.
I finished my time at the Studios in Ouarzazate, something which itself was a huge challenge. There are some elements in a process or mechanism (life) which are uncontrollable. These things you just have to take in your stride and not let them get to you. Keep them fully in your thoughts when dealing with them, and keep a positive mental attitude around them. You will benefit from the effort you put in, and they will most likely remain unchanged until they die. Once you accept certain things are the way they are, it makes them easy to deal with, and leaves you to focus on more important elements. I'm referring to one particular person on the film I am working on who just seems to go out of their way to make things difficult for others. That is a personality trait which I simply cannot fathom, and goes entirely goes against my way of thinking and living. I don't allow myself to become angry about this behaviour anymore, although I can find myself becoming exasperated when I encounter it, which unfortunately is all too common for the human race.
Anyway, I apologise this entry is becoming a little disjointed. It doesn't make much sense when I think back on it, but I shall continue and try to keep a more narrative feel. My friends will all attest I'm not the world's best storyteller.
My goal until the summer is to write a horror film. My goal is to assemble a group of talented and passionate people to create a piece of work we can all sit back and feel proud of, and use to showcase our talents and specific interests. I am keen to make a zombie film. It is a genre where anything goes, and I intend to exploit that as far as we can without it becoming farcical or ridiculous. I realise this is a strange limit to set when working with the undead as a subject matter, but it's important we have something to show which will show off our talents in a credible light.
I originally set myself the goal of having the film written, cast and crew assembled and the money in place ready to begin shooting on the first day of summer. I soon realised this was unrealistic, especially so now as I have just taken on a full time job until June. This is one of the areas where it can be hard to keep a hold on reality. In one moment I'm thinking 'That's no problem at all', but the next I realise perhaps it's not such a realistic plan. Now at this point, it is important to slow down a little, and not jump into the negative end of thinking. Normally at this stage of things I start to think negatively about the whole thing, and usually talk myself out of whatever it is I want to do. This time however I have simply slowed down and had a little look around at the other options available instead. So instead of simply saying 'Oh….well that's that f_cked then.' and thinking about something else to not complete, I just adjusted my plans to fit my circumstances. This might seem obvious to many (ha) of you reading this now, but I dare to suggest you have done the same thing of just giving up more than once in your life. I don't know why I do it, but thinking positively about all aspects of my life has begun to change the way I do things. It has given me new confidence in myself and in others around me, and I am finally starting to believe in myself and what I am capable of.
One major thing that my new positivism has brought into my life is focus. A lack of focus is something which has cursed me for my whole life. I don't like to think I'm limiting my options, so I don't commit to anything whole-heartedly, but this has the complete opposite effect. It's why I'm now a month away from being 30 without any real career to show for it, when having a career is something I've always wanted. I know at this point some people will be saying 'But you hate that idea', and to some extent they're right, I do. I want it all. I want a skilled career so I can enjoy the fun things I like to do, but at the same time, I only want to do the fun things which would result in me not having a career, skilled or otherwise. Up until this point in my life I really thought I couldn't win. I thought I would never find the spark inside me which would finally ignite my afterburners and get me on the road to what I really want – personal success. Personal success is what I want. I already have it in certain amounts in my life, but those things are not the product of a long thought out process or endeavour. I have drifted through my life, picking up some great gifts along the way, but only finding out now I have the power myself to make things happen the way I truly want them to. Focus will allow me to do this, and it's the most important thing I think I've discovered in myself for a long time. Why, I've been sat here for well over an hour now just writing about it….not something I would have even thought of doing a month ago.
So, there a few other things I need to turn my attention to before I start writing in earnest but this is not to say I've given up already. I will write the film, and I will assemble a crew to make it, and there will be blood, but first things first. I have a lot of work to do, and I'm prioritising, managing my focus to keep it clear and effective and doing what I want it to do. Focus can come in waves, and it's easy for me to get carried away with the thought tide.
I want to thank _futurism for his help in convincing me to try something new out; his intimate knowledge of my open-minded scepticism has served us well many times before, and I think this time he's hit the jackpot.
